So it’s snowing today – might get two feet. The wind is blowing from the northeast and everyone is upset that it’s less than a week since the last windy snowstorm. Even worse, lots of us lost power last week, and that is the worst affront possible to our connected, screen-addled selves. I mean, no TV? What the heck? No INTERNET? What the _ _ck?? Worse than all of that… if that’s possible, this terrible weather is all – our – fault!
We live in a remarkable political environment. We’re in deep debt, welfare costs are too high, drugs are killing more people than ever, President Trump just fired Rex Tillerson and the White House seems to be in chaos, illegal entrants are being released after committing crimes so the “Feds” can’t deport them and a college education costs more than $50,000 a year, if you can believe that. Besides, North Korea and Iran have nuclear weapons and missiles and China is building sand islands with military airstrips. Let’s not even mention Venezuela and the Dakota Access Pipeline. What are we supposed to do?
None of that stuff is worth a hole in the snow… well, except the snow, which is all – our – fault! Wait until this summer, when there may be some hot days, 94 degrees, even. Those will all be our fault, too. This winter is the first time in the history of history that there has been more snow than municipal budgets allowed for… except for the past 40 years’ budgets or so. Actually it’s not the first winter there has been 3 snowstorms in one month, either, but when I was a kid and everyone thought the world was cooling a little, they weren’t my… our… fault, although I had to shovel the stuff.
There isn’t a single problem, of terrorism, opiates, debt, taxes, wars, trade, education, politics, Constitutionalism or school shootings, that is as serious or as threatening as global warming. If you had paid attention you’d have learned that all of the problems, unhappiness, dysfunction, trans-genderism, murder and genital herpes is CAUSED by global warming! Where have you been? Wait! What’s that? OMG!
Global warming is so ummmnh… so, ahhh… so 2010; I knew that. All of those problems are caused by Climate Change… not global warming. Meh! What’s the matter with me? But, it’s still our fault and something we should be proud to recognize and proud to alter our lives over and pay taxes to put a STOP to. It’s the best damned invention of the early 21st Century, for Heaven’s sake. For the first time since the discovery of salt it’s possible to control the lives of EVERYONE on Earth, while we all sacrifice with a smile. It’s better than religion ever was and church services are every minute of every day.
There are even sacraments. Ten years ago a Prius was sufficient, but now it’s vegetarianism, and not just any vegetables, either. If they’ve been touched by Monsanto or harvested by Con-Agra or Cargill or distributed by Nestle’, don’t eat them! No siree. You want only foods grown by real people who don’t make a lot of money or vote Republican, and who use good fresh shit to make them flourish. If you eat meat you are taking food from the mouths of baby polar bears… or baby wolves, you ungrateful civilizer, you. And all you people who earn a living raising animals and speaking harshly to them can just switch to carving souvenirs from windfall wood – memorials to places people once lived.
And if you can’t plug your car in and drive with no emissions, don’t come crying to us at the World Preservation at Every Cost Foundation. We won’t have any hatred left for you: it’s all applied to the damned power plant operators who are making Climate Change worse for polar bears. The next rally is being crowd-sourced on our freshly-charged dumb-phones, made in candle-lit factories. You’re on your own for hatred, pal.
Man… oops, sorry, I mean two-foot. Two-foot, I wish I believed it all – hate would be so much simpler, less distinctive. I do believe in global climate change, though, since science shows us that it’s been going on since before history and even earlier than that. In a way it’s somewhat reassuring that the forces that have shaped the earth are still with us.
The climate we really liked for Earth is a mix of good and bad times blended into that perfect day in, um, some state or country that has no bad storms or droughts, some time before Ronald Reagan became president. We want to keep Earth right like that, that day… probably a 24th or 25th of April, and if it takes not driving to work or Disney World to achieve it, it’s a small price to pay.
And don’t worry about having nothing to do. Get a pot prescription. Text me. We’ll do hunch.